My Past Month

It seems like no matter what I do recently, I don't succeed. Everything feels like it's just been shut out and away from me, out of my reach. It's not even academics that is the problem, somehow I'm doing amazing at that without even trying. I made it my goal this year to get involved in more groups and do more activities, but it's been stressful. I'm in three different band groups. Did I ever mention that I play trombone? Well, I do. I'm in Trombone Choir, Trombone Ensemble, and Wind and Percussion Ensemble (which I didn't even make it into based off of my audition, I only got into it because it conflicted with someone's schedule). That's actually probably been one of the worst things that has happened to me. For the first few weeks back, I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. The band I was placed in (the lowest one) I wasn't able to do because of my schedule. It sucked, and still does. Every time that I practise nothing sounds right, I feel like I'm getting worse, even though I continuously practise because I want to get better so I'm not in this situation again. It's incredibly frustrating to have things not work out. But the thing that annoys me the most is that I'm reminded, every time that I step foot into band, of last Spring. I wish I could go back and relive that semester all over again, I wouldn't change anything. It was perfect, absolutely perfect. I'm scared that I'm living too much in the past to enjoy the present, but there's not much to really enjoy right now.

Charles (who also plays trombone) made it into the top Orchestra. I was very proud of him, and still am. But we broke up. I saw it coming. I didn't want us to break up, and I still despise the fact that we are apart. I miss him every day. It's awful because I've spent all my summer waiting for us to be together again, but once we were able to be together, we weren't. I need him now more than ever.

My old friends never talk to me anymore. Never. I only ever say hi to them whenever I see them. And I still haven't made any more friends. It just feels like everyone I know is moving on in their life and I'm just stuck, going absolutely no where.

I may not even make it into a committee for Model UN

I have to do a ton of work for a biking club, because chances are I'm going to be the president of it next year.

Don't even get me started on my work schedule

I don't know what to do.
My life just won't continue for some reason.
It's stuck.
And I feel stuck and lost

One of My Dreams

For a while now I've had this weird dream that I could be a writer. I'm not really sure where it comes from, but I've always wanted to make something incredibly captivating and something that I would be recognized and known for.
Sometimes when I get bored in classes I begin to think of stories, especially if they are connected to what we are talking about. Being a history and political science double major makes me really think about stories of the past and of the present. I LOVE combining the two!
Recently I can up with an amazing idea and I have not been able to put my pencil down, so many ideas have been coming to my head, and I may actually have an exciting interesting book at my hands!!!
Even though I've actually never gotten to the point of actually writing dialogue, I think I might be able to with this one!
Now all my friend needs to do is become an editor and I'd have everything set!

I Think Too Much

To anyone who is listening,

I hate when I think too much.
I do it ALL the time!

It interferes with basically everything that I do. Almost every relationship that I have and any big event that I need to accomplish.
I really hate it.

So I'm in an undefined relationship with a guy I'm going to call Charles. And it's undefined because of the fact that I HAVE TO THINK THROUGH ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!!!!
UGH! I really drive myself crazy sometimes...
I'm absolutely hurting inside

Charles and I started our relationship around March. And I think I fell in love with the guy I knew in the first month and a half. He's was amazing and everything just seemed absolutely perfect.
It was because I wasn't thinking! He was a GREAT friend! And really started to be the only true friend I had at college. We're so much alike, and I think we've forgotten that. He understood everything, even how I felt.
I miss him. That guy that I knew those months ago.

But of course I had to go and mess it all up.

About a month into our basically movie dates Charles asked me if we could make our relationship public. And If you really know me, you know that I hate everything that has to do with gusshy gross relationships. I don't like people invading upon my personal private life (except you know, you guys who are reading this).
I've never had a public relationship, and that thought scared me.
Well, That is when I began to think.

I haven't stopped thinking about that question.
I've wondered what it would have been like if I hadn't thought.
And I really like what I thought up.

But now we've started to grow distant.
He texts me less and less
We don't skype as often as we used to
We live far away from each other, so this last month and a half has not helped.
I miss him
I miss the guy I knew
I feel as though I missed out on because I thought too much.

And I've taken soo much time to try to think of how to say to him how much he really means to me.
Whenever I've been with him I never get the courage to tell him
I REALLY REALLY REALLY Need to STOP THINKING!!!!
It's starting to really hurt me

When People are Unethical and Drive Me Crazy

I've been working for about a year at my job (which is not all that great considering I can't really get anything else, yay life as a college student). It's not the best place, but it is better than some. I know that's not real descriptive, but I'm not going to try to be.

Anyway...

Our place is always hiring because we never really get the best people working there. I'm the goody-good person because I don't drink or do drugs or anything of that sort. What a lovely place, right? Well, there have been new people, which I don't mind. But it drives me crazy how some of them are hired just because of the fact that they know people who work there or who have worked there. 

One person in particular drives me absolutely crazy. He graduated in the same class as me, from the same high school, and lives in the same neighborhood as me. He was hired a month ago, which was a little bit before I came back to work for the summer (I had already worked there the previous summer).
He is CRAZY slow at everything and continuously talks. I mean he DOES NOT SHUT UP!!
Always talking about how his dad is a director and how he didn't have good grades in school and how his dad now has a bunch of money and gets to travel anywhere he wants to every year for free. And then he goes on about his mom and what she does for a living. It's annoying. He's totally completely spoiled and basically BRAGs about it in front of all of us who are just trying to make it in this world. That's the other thing that drives me crazy. HE hasn't accomplished anything in his life. It's like his parents' accomplishments are his own. It's incredibly annoying. Plus, he is incredibly attached to them and they come visit him at work constantly. Because they are so proud of him. Please. Give me a break. He is an awful worker. A pretty nice guy. But an awfully slow, talkative, worker.
Well, now we are getting an new work schedule and guess what?
He is scheduled to have 29 hours
I have 25
and another worker who holds a similar title only has 19! And she has technically been there longer than the both of us! (even though I was hired before here) (sorry that doesn't make a lot of sense)
It's pretty unfair if you think about it because we are all in the same situation.
College students who will be leaving for the summer.
the General Manager at my work says that they are going to slowly get us out of the schedule so that the high schoolers they have will get more experience and hours when we are gone. Which is totally understandable. But then why does he have so much more hours when he just started working here, it's his first job, he is incredibly slow at it, not very good, and brings down the entire team?

Well, this is what he said to me:

"I got more hours because I've known the General Manager forever, He's basically like my brother."

WAY TO BE ETHICAL!!!

THAT'S PROBABLY WHY HE WAS HIRED AS WELL!!!

He has even hinted at the fact that the General Manager just offered him a job there, he didn't even apply.

Which that just really makes me upset.

So now I feel as though the General Manager is set against me while he goes and helps his fake "brother"

I really dislike a fair few of the people I work with. 

It just really drives me crazy that they can't see that that is unethical. 

No one should get advantages because they know someone. 

That's not how people should succeed in this world. 

People should be recognized for the work that they do, not the people that they know. 

I wish that I had enough courage to stand up to him in that moment and do something

but I didn't

I just suffered in silence like I always do

People just sometimes really drive me crazy.