My Past Month

It seems like no matter what I do recently, I don't succeed. Everything feels like it's just been shut out and away from me, out of my reach. It's not even academics that is the problem, somehow I'm doing amazing at that without even trying. I made it my goal this year to get involved in more groups and do more activities, but it's been stressful. I'm in three different band groups. Did I ever mention that I play trombone? Well, I do. I'm in Trombone Choir, Trombone Ensemble, and Wind and Percussion Ensemble (which I didn't even make it into based off of my audition, I only got into it because it conflicted with someone's schedule). That's actually probably been one of the worst things that has happened to me. For the first few weeks back, I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. The band I was placed in (the lowest one) I wasn't able to do because of my schedule. It sucked, and still does. Every time that I practise nothing sounds right, I feel like I'm getting worse, even though I continuously practise because I want to get better so I'm not in this situation again. It's incredibly frustrating to have things not work out. But the thing that annoys me the most is that I'm reminded, every time that I step foot into band, of last Spring. I wish I could go back and relive that semester all over again, I wouldn't change anything. It was perfect, absolutely perfect. I'm scared that I'm living too much in the past to enjoy the present, but there's not much to really enjoy right now.

Charles (who also plays trombone) made it into the top Orchestra. I was very proud of him, and still am. But we broke up. I saw it coming. I didn't want us to break up, and I still despise the fact that we are apart. I miss him every day. It's awful because I've spent all my summer waiting for us to be together again, but once we were able to be together, we weren't. I need him now more than ever.

My old friends never talk to me anymore. Never. I only ever say hi to them whenever I see them. And I still haven't made any more friends. It just feels like everyone I know is moving on in their life and I'm just stuck, going absolutely no where.

I may not even make it into a committee for Model UN

I have to do a ton of work for a biking club, because chances are I'm going to be the president of it next year.

Don't even get me started on my work schedule

I don't know what to do.
My life just won't continue for some reason.
It's stuck.
And I feel stuck and lost