My Past Month

It seems like no matter what I do recently, I don't succeed. Everything feels like it's just been shut out and away from me, out of my reach. It's not even academics that is the problem, somehow I'm doing amazing at that without even trying. I made it my goal this year to get involved in more groups and do more activities, but it's been stressful. I'm in three different band groups. Did I ever mention that I play trombone? Well, I do. I'm in Trombone Choir, Trombone Ensemble, and Wind and Percussion Ensemble (which I didn't even make it into based off of my audition, I only got into it because it conflicted with someone's schedule). That's actually probably been one of the worst things that has happened to me. For the first few weeks back, I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. The band I was placed in (the lowest one) I wasn't able to do because of my schedule. It sucked, and still does. Every time that I practise nothing sounds right, I feel like I'm getting worse, even though I continuously practise because I want to get better so I'm not in this situation again. It's incredibly frustrating to have things not work out. But the thing that annoys me the most is that I'm reminded, every time that I step foot into band, of last Spring. I wish I could go back and relive that semester all over again, I wouldn't change anything. It was perfect, absolutely perfect. I'm scared that I'm living too much in the past to enjoy the present, but there's not much to really enjoy right now.

Charles (who also plays trombone) made it into the top Orchestra. I was very proud of him, and still am. But we broke up. I saw it coming. I didn't want us to break up, and I still despise the fact that we are apart. I miss him every day. It's awful because I've spent all my summer waiting for us to be together again, but once we were able to be together, we weren't. I need him now more than ever.

My old friends never talk to me anymore. Never. I only ever say hi to them whenever I see them. And I still haven't made any more friends. It just feels like everyone I know is moving on in their life and I'm just stuck, going absolutely no where.

I may not even make it into a committee for Model UN

I have to do a ton of work for a biking club, because chances are I'm going to be the president of it next year.

Don't even get me started on my work schedule

I don't know what to do.
My life just won't continue for some reason.
It's stuck.
And I feel stuck and lost

First Day in Norwegian

Just got back from my first day of Norwegian (yes, I'm learning how to speak Norwegian) and I'm upset.
VERY UPSET
So Charles, the guy I'm kind of seeing, just not publicly (that's a whole other story is in the class along with some other chick Ella who was in one of his classes last year. I remember that last year they had planned on taking Norwegian together, which upset me then and still upsets me to this day. I had already decided to take the class before I learned about this.
Anyway, I got there kind of early, and was anxious for him to walk into the class, because I figured that he had already forgotten that I was planning on taking that class. Which, if my intuition is correct, he did.
So he walks in, with her following right behind, walks right past me without even acknowledging me and proceeds to the farthest corner of the room.
The thing that upsets me is that he knew I was there, and continuously gave me some glances, but it was as if we didn't want to know that the other person glancing at them. It was strange...
I'm not really sure what to make of it.
When class was over I proceeded to rush out of the room as quickly as I can and head toward the caf where I ate alone, and I even saw them again in the caf.
For some reason I always think that an action of silence makes a point.

Well,  ha en fin dag

What my "friends" did to us at dinner

So me and my roommate, Elaine, were planning on going to dinner and thought that maybe some of our friends from last year would like to see us again. I've been tired from being cooped up for so long that I thought it would be nice to see them again (even though they aren't my favorite people in the world, but they certainly aren't the worst). Until maybe now.

Elaine texted one of them to see if they wanted to go to dinner, and she replied that she already had plans. Which, I mean is understandable and all.

Well, we then decided to go to dinner a little later. And guess who we see? All of our "friends" sitting together. I know they saw me, and they know that I saw them. And they did nothing. I still haven't heard from them.
That really makes me think that they had something against me as well. I knew they didn't like Elaine, but all of the things that they say about her are totally wrong from how I see her.

I really wished that I would have gone up to their table and confronted them.
It really would have felt great.
I'm so upset at them.
I kept telling myself that I was going to make new friends this year, and they are certainly making it easy.

Back at College

Well, I'm finally back at college and it's not exactly going how I thought it would be. It seems as though my "friends" that I had last year have abandoned me because they don't like my roommate, who was also one of their friends. I actually haven't been able to meet anyone new recently who has been a great friend to me other than my roommate. But now it's been the second day of just sitting around in my room doing nothing.
I told myself that this year was going to be different, that it would be more exciting, and that I'd meet new people and actually hang out and have fun.
So far, none of that has happened.
It sucks.
I know absolutely no one on my floor and haven't had anything to go to. It's so boring.
On the upside, I got callbacks for band auditions.
But that seems to be the only thing that's truly exciting.
It's really discouraging.

Co-ed dorms for the better?

I went on a camping trip this past weekend with a few of my close friends who go to different schools. One of my good friends, Carly, lived in a dorm last year that had co-ed floors and wings and is going to be an RA next year. And I'm the total opposite. Our dorms were separated by floors and wings. The floor I lived on was especially more secluded than the others because there was no connection between the two wings, whereas the other floors below us did connect. This made our group of about 25 girls especially more separated from everyone else.

Any way, we started talking about our college experiences, mainly our living situations and learned that being in a co-ed living space (having guys living on the same floor as girls) seemed to have less drama than and floor only having girls living on it or only exclusively guys.

There was A LOT of drama between girls on my floor last year (something I really hope doesn't happen again). It wasn't any face-to-face confrontation, it was just a lot of things unsaid that created a bias and prejudice against a group of people that is not like yourself.
I basically got wrapped up into one group because of the fact that I'm more of a geek than a preppy outgoing guy-drama filled lifestyle.

I generally try to never cling onto a type of clique or anything of that sort. I'd rather remain unbiased and accept everyone for who they are. 

But unfortunately I was stuck on a floor that had people who were less accepting of the other. I barely even said anything and yet I felt as though I was viewed as being someone I wasn't.

SO ANNOYING!!!

And then I heard about Carly's experience. And it's what I would have rather had.

There seemed to be no drama and clique-like behavior from the people she lived with, even though there were some distinction between geeks and jocks. But they all got along. No one thought that they had to live up to some expectation of what society or others felt they had to. They were just themselves. 

And that's when I started to really think that separating men and women creates even more drama than keeping them together. You'd think it'd be the opposite, but it's not!!!!

Maybe men and women are natural balancers and help tone down the drama that exists in exclusively one gender. 

Having that co-ed living situation seemed to bring about enough diversity between peoples that no more than two people were alike. And that seemed really nice. 

Well, here's hope to a better new year! (even though I still have to wait like a month)

Money, Money, Money

About a year ago I realized how insignificant money is to life.

It plays a big role. But really money has no value.

At least to me.

I'd rather spend my life not worrying about money. Money will not rule my life. I'd rather have a million memorable experiences than a million dollars.

My Father on the other hand thinks otherwise. He would rather remain in the same spot his entire life and live comfortably with a bunch of money.
I can understand that viewpoint, and some people grow up with the concept that money is the most important thing. But it's not one that I want for myself, even though that is what my father wants for me.
I'm pretty sure we are complete opposites in mostly everything. Especially our values in life.
For years he would say that I should be a doctor and my sister should be a lawyer. When in reality I can't stand the thought of bones or muscles and my sister is fascinated with anything that includes tearing open something that is living or dead.
Everyone wants to be a doctor.
I'm not saying doctors aren't important, because they are extremely important and amazing.
But why is it that a doctor is what everyone is trying to achieve?
Money definitely factors into it one way or another.

In college, most of the people I know either want to be doctors or teachers.
I couldn't stand either of those jobs.
I'm not going to do something I don't like just to have money.
A job and a career is what you will be doing for the rest of your life. You might as well enjoy what you do.
I'd rather it be enjoyable as opposed to well-paid.
I don't care about having and holding onto a giant amount of wealth.
I want to see the world and have an experience instead of being cooped up somewhere as some housewife (no offense to anyone who is) unable to go out and live.
The earth is here for a reason and the things in it are too.
I might as well enjoy what it has to offer while I'm still here.

I'm not saying money isn't important, because it is.
But it should not define someone's life.
Greed is just awful.

I just don't even understand money. Numbers. Finances. They all make my head hurt. I just don't understand it.
Adam said if I wanted to go into international affairs, I should look into economics instead of history. That relationship is over.
I don't understand economics.
I love history.
I'm not going to do something that I don't like just because it gets me more money.
I just don't want to.

Money is not everything. Yet it drives everything that we do. Just like time.
Money will not rule my life.
Life will rule my Life.

My Old Roommate

Dear Friends and Followers,

I don't know if anyone is actually reading what I write on here or not. Nevertheless, I'm still going to write.
My Old Roommate, I guess we can call her Michelle for the sake of remaining anonymous. I didn't understand her at all. For some reason she seemed to have some sort of prejudice against me from the start. I'm not really sure why, because all I did was be nice to her. I guess she started to question my judgement of things when I started hanging around Adam, who is more of a geek than a jock. Michelle in her feminist mind thought that I could do better. She was eventually right, but I'll get to that another time if I feel like it. I made the decision that my beliefs were stronger than those of a person that I just met a few weeks earlier. So I decided to go on my own path. I guess that's when things started to get distanced between us.
At first I thought that we had a lot in common due to the way we acted and how we thought. But we were probably too similar for our own good. That's the thing, for some reason you don't get along with people who are too similar to yourself because you have too much in common and you already know what the other person is going to say because you would say that yourself.
Yet she was so absorbed in her image and how others thought of her that I didn't feel as though she truly understood who she was. She stood in front of the mirror at least 10 times before she left the room, even if it was just to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water. She was so concerned with how she appeared to others that she would ask either me or our other roommate, Kendra (mainly Kendra), if something she said or how she looked was fine and acceptable for how she wanted others to see her as.

Her image of herself consisted of someone who was always put together, consistently on top of everything, and always striving to be the nest in everything that she does.

I don't believe that there is one person who can fit that complete description. I believe that Michelle was probably truly the complete opposite of who she really was. I never felt as though I saw the true side of her, even though I lived with her for a full school year. You can't live through life pretending to be someone you are not. And yet you change depending on who you are with. I guess that different versions of yourself can exist, but they are all true to yourself. I wish people were confident in who they are, flaws and everything. I try my best to be myself. But my mind always stops me from speaking what I feel and what I think. 

At the beginning of the year she had a long set of pre-determined rules for our room that she had already decided upon probably before she even arrived here. Most of them were completely different to how I viewed college as. 

One of her first things was that roommates weren't obligated to be friends and that we could basically decide that on our own time. We weren't going to be friends. We were adults now so we shouldn't have to depend upon each other. I felt as though that was a stab at me because I had woken up them at least once in the previous week because we were thinking of doing something as part of orientation. I was only being polite. Both my roommates were against the idea of having a stranger, a friend of our roommates', sleep in their bed if they were gone. That's when I definitely knew that we were not going to get along. It showed me that they didn't trust anyone, not even their roommates. I don't understand why people can't trust others. What does that show about humanity? Will we live in a state of paranoia our entire lives?

Out of all of these rules that Michelle had, one of her most ridiculous was that private phone calls or skype sessions or whatever would be done in the hallway if someone in the room was studying. Now that seemed reasonable to me. It really made sense. Giving others the chance to study in peace without having to hear someone else talk while they were trying to concentrate. One of the first times I skyped with my friends back home I was out in the hallway like our roommate agreement and rules stated. However, that seemed to be a problem for Michelle. Apparently I was making to much noise for her to concentrate. She then proceeded to come out into the hall with a post-it note that said something to the extent of:

"I'm sorry, but I can hear you through the wall which is making it difficult to concentrate on studying. If you could keep it down, that would be great! Or you could go down to the social lounge. Thanks! :)" 

I ended up going down to the social lounge, Adam was there, and everything seemed perfectly fine. The irony of the rule that she made was the fact that she was the one who talked the most on the phone. Throughout the year she was constantly running out into the hallway because her phone would be going off. And she didn't have to because probably half of the time Kendra and I were watching something on our computers and not even thinking about homework or studying. It's strange how she made everything more difficult for herself. She probably didn't want to portray a bad view of herself to us.
I feel bad for her. I don't know how she does it, how she can live with that constant worry and seem to be completely fine. You can never judge a book by it's cover.
I wish her the best and hope she learns. Not just in knowledge, but also wisdom.

Experiences outside of the computer

To those who wish to read this, 

Looking around at the people I know, and me myself, I wish that we would go outside more often. It's as if the internet and security of our homes has brought us into a life that is indoors.

I say that technology has ruined us, and has taken me along with it. (obviously because I now started a blog that I've been working on all day). 

Biologically, humans are not meant to sit inside at a computer all day. Why is it then that we do it? Why does the internet have to be so captivating? 

I don't want to live my life around a computer. To me, that's not living. 

The friends I made my first year of college would every weekend sit around the tv and look at their computers. It was probably fun for a few weeks. But eventually I realized that we weren't having an experience at all. We didn't even know what was going on outside of our college life. Our life of sitting inside a dorm and doing basically nothing. I missed intellectual conversations I used to have with my friends at home. I felt as though I hadn't learned anything about myself or anyone other than the fact that they liked sitting around the computer and tv all day.

Do all people do this? What has happened to society? (Then again I can't really say much because I have been raised into this developing technological world). 

The majority of them had smart phones, whenever we were at dinner they would just go to their phones if nothing was being said. I don't even own a smartphone, and yet it is now a common assumption that everyone has one. I have to say, my life is definitely better without one. 

It wasn't until my last weekend of my first year of college that I realized what a waste that my "friends" were putting into their college experience. My college is absolutely beautiful. There are numerous outdoor recreational activities to do, I had done none and my "friends" weren't even interested in seriously committing to an outdoor activity. They would have rather criticized the world from the security of their dorm than go out and see the world. My current roommate, who is also in this group of friends, and I were the only ones to really seem to understand this. We went on a walk to go see a movie one night and as we were walking back to campus we realized that we didn't want to walk back up to our room and just sit there. It was too beautiful of a night to do that. So, my friend (being well educated in the constellations of the sky) suggested that we should just go lie somewhere and stargaze. 

And so we went. 

It was beautiful. Where I am now, the city lights would cast a haze over the beautiful night sky. It was only there that I was able to see its beauty. (Not that I haven't seen it before, because I have, it's just that I hadn't seen the beauty of the night sky in a long time). The farther that we went from the lights of campus, the closer we got to seeing the wonders of the night sky. My friend pointed out the constellations that we could visibly see. We talked about our up coming finals, how frustrating some of our professors are, and how we wish we could just stay where we were and be at peace. But that's the thing. You can't just hide forever with your head in the clouds and your heart among the stars. Yet you can. Only for a moment. But it was that moment, where time didn't matter and all stress went away, that you really find something about yourself. I can assure you that is something that you will not experience from a computer or a movie. You won't learn anything, or have any stories to tell unless you step outside and live. 

That night we vowed to go outside and do something different every Friday. To get away from the stress and live. 

I'm sure we'll keep that promise.